i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
