i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My ass is underappreciated
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
