just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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