She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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