It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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