There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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