**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
