i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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