I just saw a hot homeless man
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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