Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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