i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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