I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize