I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
