Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i've created a new STD.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
