Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
