My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
her vagine was all disorganized.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
