You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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