the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
