My liver just broke up with me...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
