omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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