I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
