Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
