god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
