This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
