Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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