I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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