There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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