im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
