Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
