Soap is not a condiment
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
