gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
