cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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