I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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