Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize