Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have feelings that need drinking.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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