i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm having to shit out rocks
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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