Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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