final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
