Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
