I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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