I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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