Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
