I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
