Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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