I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
