wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
