when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
