Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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