Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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