i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize