Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
