I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
