when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Everyone says I win the strip club
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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