Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
