i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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