you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize