I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you win again, gameday.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
